Life Celebration & Kitties

Originally mom had wished for no funeral or memorial service upon her death.  However, several months before her passing, her faith and desire for community led her to Spirit of Joy Church just a few blocks from her house in Hemet. She had soon made several dear friends and had the entire congregation praying for her through all of her health issues. She became a formal member of the church just a few weeks before she went on her New Way and her experience there changed her mind about a service.

So, in honor of her faith, her church community and other friends who wish to attend, there will be a small celebration of life ceremony at Spirit of Joy.  All are welcome to join us, and those that can't get there at that time, we know you'll be there in spirit. :)

Wednesday, August 27, 2014
11:00 am
Spirit of Joy Church
3126 West Johnston Avenue
Hemet, CA 92545

The family would like to request that in lieu of flowers, we ask you to consider donations in her memory to the Ramona Humane Society. She adopted her beloved Jezebel from there and loved animals...so helping them to find a new home would be a wonderful way to honor Nan.

The last as first...this is tonight!

And speaking of Jezebel and new homes...I'd like to take this opportunity to share a bit of stories, update and photos of mom's other child so many of you have heard and asked about..."how is she doing?" :)

Poor thing, she had a bit of a 'new way' to get adjusted to too!  First, she loses her mommy, then she loses her home. She gets chased down and shoved into this little suitcase thing after MUCH protesting...leaving me with lasting mementos of that effort, ouch!...and gets hauled on a long road trip north, her first car ride ever since going home with mom from the shelter at 6 mos old.  She actually did pretty well and didn't try to bolt out when I reached in to give her some attentive scratches now and then, whew!

But, to add to the drama and trauma, she gets brought to this smallish apartment that is already inhabited by two other feline critters...who had no idea what was about to rock their world either! Now, I understand how to try to slowly introduce a new cat to a household.  However, I don't have many options here...I've got one bedroom, one bathroom, and one rest of the apartment...and my cats fully expect to be able to follow me to every room and romp at will.  

Her first chance to roam.

Before even bringing Jezebel up to the apartment, friends helped me unload and I got Jezebel's huge cat tree and safe haven set up in my living room with a window view...whew, it fit in about the only spot I had available without a major redesign!  Wanted my cats to start getting the smell of "someone new" before I brought Jezzy up.  Jezzy started in the bedroom...but that would NOT do...that was the scaredy cat hiding place and they couldn't get in!  So, that first night home, the bathroom was Jezebel's safe place and off limits to Charlie & Spanky...who could smell another critter under the door.

I was purposefully home all day on Sunday, decompressing and 'relaxing' before heading back to work...but more importantly, I was watching and refereeing the introduction. Decided that since I was home to observe, I would try to speed up the process a little.  I locked my two into the bedroom and gave Jezebel some time to meander around and check it out. After a good while, it was time for THE introduction.  It could have been much, much worse! :)

Guess where Jezebel is? ;)

When it had been long enough and we had one good chase and smack, it was time to put Jezzy back into her bathroom safe place...where she pretty much lived for the next two days.  I would let her out some in the evening while I locked my girls up...but that was VERY unpopular with Charlie. ;)

Charlie checking on the newcomer.

There's gotta be a way!

Then I decided to move to the next phase...see but don't touch!  I went and got not one, but two pet gates to try out for this experiment.  It was a great idea...but of course, they're cats!  They lasted one day before Charlie figured out she could climb the thing...mind you, she's a bit of a tubby and has some trouble jumping onto the chair, but she could climb! The next day, Jezebel followed her lead and decided to jailbreak while I was at work.  Oh well...got me two days...guess that was enough, it's make or break now! :)

Jailbreak! This was her second attempt...the first she would have succeeded if I didn't yell at her!

Just a representative sample of their relationship!

Spanky get's up close...good thing Jezzy's sleeping!

There has been progress.  Jezebel freely moves about the house, but as she likes to do, she stays as high as possible most of the time...and tries hard to avoid Spanky.  She...my scaredy cat, under the covers hider when new people show up...is the one who just can't quit stalking Jezzy. She doesn't doesn't really attack or hiss or growl, she chirps and stalks...almost like she really just wants to get close and smell her and figure out who the heck she is...but when Jezebel runs away, Spanky runs right after!  No blood, they're both alive, I trust that they'll get there eventually.  Heck, even as I am typing this very posting, for the first time I just saw Jezzy and Charlie touch noses without any issue...PROGRESS! Now...we'll be making BIG strides when I see that between Jezzy & Spanky! :)

 Charlie's going to have to share her favorite spot. ;)

Umm...okay, that's a new one for this house!

Not sure if she's waiting for the "summer dinners" to fill the bowl. ;)

In the mean time, Jezebel is starting to relax and be whatever room I'm in...just like my girls...and on whatever I'm working on, just like she did at home with mom. She likes sleeping in her tower and all the favorite places Charlie likes to hang out too...the window seat being a primo spot!  They'll figure it all out eventually.  A new order will arise. In the mean time, there will be a bit more growling and some hissing for a while, another cat to jump up on, climb into or knock things off places they shouldn't...and I have one more set of paws to dodge, feed and scoop for in this already cozy apartment.

Aww...what we do for love. ;)

Nan's Memorial Page

There is no celebration of life scheduled yet, please stay tuned here for those details...it will be a small event. For those who would care to leave any messages, light a candle or share other memories of Mom, the Murrieta Valley Funeral Home has a page for her here:

Murrieta Valley Funeral Home
Book of Memories for Nan Elizabeth Stewart

If you wish to make any donations in her memory, we ask you to consider the Ramona Humane Society. She adopted her beloved Jezebel from there and loved animals...so helping them to find a new home would be great!

Ramona Humane Society

And just because...here are a few more family memories...

Her New Way

It is with both sadness and peace that we share with you that Nan has transitioned to her new way.  She was excited to "go home" to her "Father's Heavenly Home"

...and so she has, she has gone Home.  

Nan Elizabeth Stewart

December 2, 1940 - July 9, 2014

It was a bit of a whirlwind of a journey and adventure to getting there these past few weeks, here are a few highlights.

When she was first diagnosed, or at least it was strongly suspected mom was facing cancer, the three of us kids talked extensively and were able to come together as a family team for her.  We all talked openly with her, too, and we know she felt our support.  Frankly, I think there was a bit of reveling in the different kind of focused attention she got from all three of us too. :)

Her last couple of weeks have been the longest and most difficult, incredibly so.  But we as a family are glad that we were not only able to fulfill mom's bucket list wishes, but that we came together as a team and were also able to respect and fulfill her desire to die at home.  We had some tremendous support from her wonderful and cherished neighbor, Katie Sterling, who has been a friend and help to mom in countless ways over many years.  Mom's Pastor Brian from Spirit of Joy was of great comfort to her as well as her friends Mary, Lana and Bev who visited and prayed with her here at home...and those in her congregation who prayed with and for her all the time. We are each also grateful for our own friends and circles of support who have helped each of us move through this journey with her.  We are glad that we have been able to be there for her to the end...and now we, too, will be able to find our own peace and carry on in life with no regrets.

Her wish was to be cremated and to not have any formal funeral service, but she did wish for a simple celebration of life with her Spirit of Joy family.  That date will be determined later, likely in late August, but we'll let you know through the church and here on this blog.  We will receive her back and scatter her ashes in a couple of sentimental places she desired.

Thank you for following, reading and sharing your comments regarding this blog both here and on Facebook.  I did read all your comments to her when she was unable to read them herself.  She got a kick out of this thing and it has provided me a form of a journal through a difficult time.  There may be a few future posts, but until that time...may you all remember Nan fondly and/or wish her well in her New Way and her New Home.  Thank you & peace to you all.

Vigil

Not the human sort of yet, but all day by her constant companion, Jezebel.

That is all for today.

Choice and Dignity

Today.

Tomorrow.

Two days from now.

Two weeks from now.

Pain.

Discomfort.

Stress.

Humiliation.

Agitation.

Loss of autonomy.

Loss of control.

Loss of choice.

Loss of dignity.

Suffering is not noble.  

It is not courageous.  

It is not virtuous.  

It is not brave, gallant, gutsy or heroic.

Not for those who are the family caregivers of the dying, but most especially, 

Not for those who are dying.

Most of us choose to provide our pets a peaceful ending because we don't want to see them suffer. Why then, just why can't we as humans have the right to make the same decision for ourselves?

This entry is a different one than the others I've posted here before...it's a bit more hard-core real. This is a personal perspective on an experience many have had to live through, and now it's our family's turn. I'd like to share this with you to consider and think about. If you've not been in this kind of situation before, imagine yourself in our shoes...and the shoes of many others before us. Imagine...what kind of death would you want for your loved one. Or better yet, what would you want for yourself when you've been told and *know* you're going to die soon anyway?  

I know there are those of you that will disagree, primarily based on your religious beliefs. However, in my family, both my brother and sister agree with me whole-heartedly on this same thought and I know my mother would have wished to been offered a choice to make her own decision. In fact, she tried to make that decision for herself even when it wasn't offered. Unfortunately? She didn't succeed.

I do not believe and most emphatically concur that "any government or religious leader has the right to tell *me how long *I have to suffer." I am inserting *myself into this quote from Nancy Niedzielski from her husband Randy, who at the time living in Washington State and didn't have the choice. Before he died, he asked Nancy to help change that law. And as her last promise to him, she did.

Today, I watched How to Die in Oregon (Trailer), which beautifully presented the choice one could make to end their own lives when living was no longer bearable. When they knew they would be nothing but an emotional and financial burden upon others to care for them through the suffering that was to come. To offer the dying and their family and friends a positive and peaceful ending to cherish rather than the hell they would all have to endure otherwise. I would strongly encourage others to watch this amazingly personal and poignant documentary, available on Netflix.

The choices the subjects in the film were allowed to make for themselves is the same choice I wish my mother had available to her. For the past three days alone - and my sister and brother the two weeks before I - I have watched my mother's condition deteriorate rapidly. From our joking and teasing Wednesday afternoon when I arrived and she was happy to see me and craved a pastrami sandwich - to this morning when she cries in pain, is extremely agitated, doesn't want to be touched, wants no help with anything, demands water, and yells at me to shut up and leave her alone...all while I'm trying to assist with basic bodily functions, an action humiliating enough for her in and of itself. I really do know it's not mom saying all that, it's the disease...but you know what, it's still emotionally hard as hell to deal with sometimes. We've changed meds to try and help to more quickly alleviate the pain and help her sleep comfortably, and we will increase those with the pain reflected...because this the only palliative care we really have to offer at this point. We wish there had been another choice.

Death is a given...we will all die at some point.

However, because of various religious and political decisions that are all too often forced upon us regardless of our own personal beliefs, there is this taboo of talking openly about planning for death or about accepting that we might have any choice on how we would like to die with dignity. Therefore, there are only three states in this country that have Death with Dignity laws Oregon, Washington, and Vermont; and only 5 countries that have laws authorizing euthanasia or physician-assisted suicide Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg, Albania & Switzerland. This testimony by Michael H. White, JD to the California Assembly Committee on Aging and Long Term Care made in February 2013 speaks the truth and I would wholly support any effort in California...or nationwide...to authorize a Death with Dignity law. If you would like to learn more about these laws or how you might be able to make a difference, please visit Death with Dignity

I would like to again encourage you to watch that movie.  Try to walk in our shoes, in Nan's shoes. Offering her the ability to make a choice for herself would not impede on anyone else's life.
Choice and dignity...that's what we all deserve.

Counting Down

It's been a while since the last post...sorry about that.  Lots going on, of course...and I was kind of waiting to get down here to get a personal feeling for where things are instead of writing from a third person perspective.  The bottom line, frankly, is we're counting down the days.  The real trick to that is, how do you know what number to start with before being able to get to zero?

Margaret and Dale got mom home, connected with Hope Hospice, and with the generous help of a couple of friends, have been doing the bulk of the caregiving here for mom.  I arrived yesterday afternoon for a planned week of much needed respite for them, as well as my chance to help and be with mom.  My first hour here at the house was a bit keystone cop-like that included apparently locking myself out of the house (whew, back door was open!) in my attempt to get the social worker to and into the house. It all worked out, but certainly was a bit crazy!  She was happy to see me and have me here, as I knew she would be.  We had a good evening and some good talk before bed.

Mom's condition varies from day to day.  Life gets a little bit harder with each day...for her and us.  Here's how she spends a good part of it...when she lets the kitty sleep with her, which isn't always.  She was awake for the photo, obviously, but quickly went back to sleep...that was yesterday afternoon.

Today, fewer smiles.

Mom is ready and more than willing to move into her next "new way", but she is very frustrated that her body hasn't - nor have we - helped her get there with the speed with which she'd like.  Her vital signs still are all pretty strong and sometimes she's alert and can have a conversation with you.  Other times, she's very confused and can't remember much...and she is getting weaker.  Her legs don't always cooperate they way they should or the way she'd like...and today, we had a moment when they failed at an inopportune moment, *just* missing her being able to sit back down on her bed.  I was holding her, so it wasn't a fall...more like a melt.  Gratefully, the hospice nurse was due to be at the house within a half an hour so, I positioned her on the floor and made her comfortable there and waited for assistance.  With some coaching from Margaret and remembering the technique from the hospital, I got a sheet under her that would later allow the nurse's non-emergency requested assistance from a much stronger team of firefighters to just pick her up and put her back into bed.  The nurse assessed and assisted with other tasks and left mom with a nice hug.  It takes a special type of person to do be able to do this work and we appreciate their kindness.

To mom's friends...know that you're always welcome, but "successful" visiting is pretty much a bit of a hit and miss opportunity right now.  Please let me know if you are interested in visiting and we'll go from there.  I am here at the house full-time through next Tue and am scheduled to head back to the Bay Area on Wed morning.  So, until then, it would be easiest to contact me directly.  Many of you who read this are connect via Facebook in some way, so commenting or private messaging me would be the preferred option, then I can provide my phone number to give a call.  

Dying is a different and unique journey for each of us.  The end comes quick for some and slowly for others.  And we, both the experienced and inexperienced observers, can't always know what that looks like as we watch and wait.  Yes, there helpful booklets and other sources that describe the physical and emotional conditions and behaviors we may observe in the dying process.  However, knowing where one is in that collection of conditions isn't always easy for anyone to determine.

I have just been introduced to this poem by Henry Van Dyke that, as an avid sailor, I find I appreciate this imagery:

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore.

A ship at my side spreads her white

sails to the morning breeze and starts

for the blue ocean. 

She is an object of beauty and strength. 

I stand and watch her until at length 

she hangs like a speck of white cloud 

just where the sea and sky come 

to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says;

"There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. 

She is just as large in mast and hull 

and spar as she was when she left my side 

and she is just as able to bear her 

load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone

at my side says, "There, she is gone!"

There are other eyes watching her coming,

and other voices ready to take up the glad

shout;

"Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

by Henry Van Dyke, a 19th Century clergyman, educator, poet, and religious writer

So, today the truth is that we don't yet know how close to that horizon mom has sailed, but she has definitely raised all of her sails and is working them all to the best of her ability.